Somebody pooped on the floor while we were out at cardiac rehab.

My gut tells me it was the dog—but he seems awfully nonchalant about it.

Man sets himself on fire near NYC courthouse where Donald Trump is on trial - ABC7 New York. Someone yelled “Fire Extinguisher” I yelled “Who has the chocolate and marshmallows” idiot. #Trump #Courthouse abc7ny.com/man-apparently…

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

One more outtake from my #Dateline Canada travelogue

On average, how long does it take for one's eyesight to return after the eclipse? The missus is getting grumpy about typing these out for me.

The customer is NOT always right. Sometimes the customer is a malignant ghoul crawling out of a rancid pit of selfishness looking to cause drama and misery because their life is so unfulfilling. Have a nice day 😃

“Cash , me outside.”
- Yoda, at Johnny Cash’s front door i guess idk it’s not like i was there

If my wife and I did a cooking show it would just be her telling me I'm in the way.

Totally unfair that I have to sit up to drink

George Foster was the only man to have a 50+ HR season between 1965 and 1990. And the only thing he ever tested positive for was incredible sideburns.

Made seven stops while running errands all in a row. Might as well have been a starting NBA player high-fiving back-ups on the way from the bench to the spotlight on the court.

I’ll be wearing a periwinkle blue leisure suit for the rest of the week as a result of hearing a Boz Scaggs song yesterday

A documentary about the making of the famous fake bigfoot clip, call it Sasq, Lies And Videotape.

Poll: Majority of Americans Prefer Sleeping Trump to Conscious Version borowitzreport.com/p/poll-majorit…

Good morning. Jury selection continues today. #TrumpisaNationalDisgrace

Jogged in shorts for the first time this Spring and would like to apologize to all of Southeastern Michigan. My legs are so white they call Clarence Thomas their black friend.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

You fill this bastard up with an ice cold Colt 45 and your day is gonna get a hell of a lot better ...

According to Aaron Rodgers, this is all Fauci’s doing

From the first time I ever saw Billy Joel take the stage I knew I wanted a house out in Hackensack.