I was once in a lesbian relationship. Not with a woman...he was just a little bitch. 😂😂

Good friends are invaluable. To the friend who stayed up all night to talk to me and helped mend my broken heart, thank you. I love the hell out of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

My guess is she spends all her money on boxed wine, cat food, and cucumbers in bulk.

That awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and you headbutt the mirror.

Can't decide if I want to be cute and cuddly today or blow some shit up. Decisions, decisions

Day 497 without sex: My hairdresser just pulled my hair a little too hard and I accidentally called him Daddy

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drink to excess. I’ll make you my emergency contact.

I wonder how many calories I burn running away from my problems. 😂😂😂

I'll never be arm candy. I'm 50. The best I can be is an arm sandwich.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

I think this fukstick pervert needs a block party! Jim Comer 🚫👇

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking. 🤣🤣

Todd4USA 𝐿𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝒱 ӄɨɖ ʀօƈӄɛʀ ⚜ • 𝕸𝖎𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖊𝖑 • ⚜ Lara 🇺🇸 #WomenForTrump NoneOfYourBusiness2 🍇 BarbieD 🌹 【J】【a】【m】 ✝️🇺🇸 Rick 👊🍄👊 🇺🇸🇮🇱🇨🇦🇬🇧🇮🇪🇪🇸🇯🇵🇵🇹 💞 𝔀𝓱𝓲𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓻 💞 ( ‏𝓐𝓵 ) 😘 e b 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸Bagel Colorado❤️🤍💙 David Joe May DK🇺🇸🦅🇺🇸 Toni ✝️🇺🇸🇮🇹RoseDC11 Trump's Semi-fascist Dogman FROMAN Merica Lee Ace 13 Party time! 🥳🍻 Thank you Todd4USA 😎🎶 Inviting Missy 🕶Ro🕶Trump2024 EARTH!🇺🇸 Daisy the Awkward Badass 𓆩♱𓆪𝓛𝓾𝓬𝓲𝓪 𓆩♱𓆪 youtu.be/Xszf4oViXnU?si…

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them. 😂😂😂

Currently helping my son look for his candy bar that I stole out of his dresser and ate last night. 😂😂😂

"These edibles are shit" 2 hours later:

I'll never understand why this is allowed on X

Me trying to flirt

It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is, in fact, quite drunk. 😂😂