[telling a story from my childhood to a frog]
frog: *interrupting* wait was this before or after your tail fell off and you grew legs

guy: damn girl, that ass is smoking
my ass: *cigarette dangling from the crack* i'm trying to quit

before coffee: i’m sleepy
after coffee: im sleepy…and afraid

[blind date]

HER: I'm a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

“no biggie!” i say. but actually it is a biggie. it’s the biggiest.

Perfect skin is wasted on children. Where you going looking so dewy, Aidan? The sandbox? Fucking circle time? Gimme it.

it's 'It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers' season, motherfuckers

weighing myself when I know I’ve gained weight:
•disheartening
•bad for my mental health

taking that weight and dividing it by the average weight of a duck:
•more ducks than before

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body

you know how a shark will die if it stops swimming, i will die if i stop being annoying

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

“how do you sleep at night” extremely sweaty, next question

tired of self improvement can’t everyone else just get worse

when you get to my house please scan the QR code on the front door to download the DingDong app. then enter a six-digit verification code to ring the doorbell. once i receive the notification that you're here, i'll text you 'it's open.'

because it’ll give the plane a UTI

is the plural of miller high life 'miller high lifes' or 'miller high lives'

oh you love fall? prove it by drying up and dying

guys we as a species need to focus all our efforts on making a cigarette that’s good for you. we should be working on this around the clock

[watching The Fast and the Furious] ok so is no one going to wear their seatbelt