My lad is 14 today!

Happy St George day, pictured below. Ready to clout forrenors wiv his banjo

St George was actually from the old pit houses behind us. His descendants work in the Bookies.

Found a little doer upper to fiddle about with, putting a derisory offer in tomorrow. It’s a 17th century old farmhouse thing, what could possibly go wrong 🙃

Just had a curry with quinoa instead of rice. It’s because I’m cosmopolitan. Cosmopolitan for round here anyway.

Played golf on Saturday with a chap that claimed to posses the longest foreskin you’ve ever seen, reckoned he could manhandle a golf ball into it. Can neither confirm nor deny. Morning, by the way.

Just bought some Banana Milk like I’m wagging double maths.

What a match!

Why give me an appointment when they are on their lunch. Just give me one as they are licking their lips from their pudding 👊👊👊

Knacker scan today, strangers rubbing cold gel on my nads and it’s free!

Just had a pint of Madri in a very thin plastic glass. Sub optimal squeezage.

8/10 tweets I read are subtweets 😂😂😂😂. (This is not a subtweet)

Turns out that shaving your hair off at 6am and then waking people up to finish the back off is a bad thing. Who’d a thunked it?

Laid on the settee singing You Only Live Twice with Nancy Sinatra whilst stroking our Chester, like a Poundshop Bond villain.

Phil’s losing this. Needs to be quiet #TheApprentice

QT a pic of a younger you. About 26 having a breather after being chased by armed police in Epcot for taking my t shirt off in 100 degree heat.

Inspired me to go clobber shopping. Cheers lads!

Always surprised to hear that people older than 25 play video games. I come from a long line of blind cobblers so my thumbs are massive, when I push the buttons it looks like my little army man or footballer is having a fit on the telly.

Orbit, Morley.

Our bath runs that slowly that you have to run it on the off chance that you might get mucky over the next few days.