Keaton Patti(@KeatonPatti) 's Twitter Profileg
Keaton Patti done

@KeatonPatti

I've written for @NewYorker, @Marvel, @TheOnion, @ComedyCentral, @McSweeneys, but mainly for you, the reader.

👇Check out my bot book!

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linkhttps://linktr.ee/IForcedABot calendar_today23-01-2012 20:19:35

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'I think, therefore I am having a guy deliver me 5 boxes of Bagel Bites because I'm too high to go out in public.'

- René Des-Instacart

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Keaton Patti(@KeatonPatti) 's Twitter Profile Photo

People in offices be like, 'Let's cancel the meeting so we get that 30 minutes back,' like they're Chronos, god of time.

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I'm not sure what's more surprising, that the Cheesecake Factory menu is on Goodreads, or that it's rated way higher than The Great Gatsby.

I'm not sure what's more surprising, that the Cheesecake Factory menu is on Goodreads, or that it's rated way higher than The Great Gatsby.
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