blummin traffic jams now south of Knutsford cos of those pesky bikers! *shakes fist but also waves in support 👋

Quite proud to announce that I actually walked past a Greggs today.

I’ve got loads to do today, so obviously I’m still in my pyjamas. If procrastination was an Olympic sport I still wouldn’t have the impetus to complete.

I’ve still not done the thing I need to do, but I have fixed the greenhouse door, tidied my desk, mooched around the charity shops, chatted to the neighbour, stared out of the window, and watched several horoscope videos on YouTube. Fucksake.

I’ve done the thing I needed to do 🙌🙌🙌

Nowt to do tonight in #penrith or #keswick ? Get yersels to this #comedy ! It’ll be an absolute belter! #cumbria #lakedistict ticketsource.co.uk/whats-on/cumbr…

These are elite. Best torpedoes imo. Nice and skinny so you don’t break your teeth on ‘em.

Our Best of So You Think You’re Funny line-up showcases the comedy chops of the SYTYF 2023 top 3: Lizzie Norm, Chris Donovan, and reigning champ Samira Banks. Catch them every night of the festival at 22:15! tickets.gildedballoon.co.uk👀

I put my jeans on the bog and forgot about them until I walked back in the bathroom and thought a stranger was sitting there. Absolutely shat myself.

When do they bring on the fromage?

Can’t wait to get to Edinburgh Edinburgh Festival Fringe for our week’s run of “Mary, Jack and Jane - The Queer Adventure” 11-18 August at Brewdog Lothian with Jane Postlethwaite - find me on instagram and Jack Horsfield - a fantastic triple bill of queer stand up #TweetTheMedia

I just saw Hannah Gadsby. When two weird people cross paths it’s funny weird. I enjoyed it anyway.

Edinburgh Fringe is fully nuts innit. I’m not yet halfway so still plenty of time to come and see me in various states of being.

Here y’are - this is me. tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/best-…

Bit of single malt, cos I’m in Edinburgh.

So, you do the Fringe and then Richard Osman asks you to do House of Games right? That’s how it works innit? Cos I would smash that quiz. I would answer smash that quiz. Ed Fringe drunk tweet. Send

#EdinburghFringe I recommend this show. This week only!! facebook.com/share/uxNGKCaS…

The AI programme Copilot magically appeared on my computer. Not impressed. No banter and no denial of the urge to annihilate the human race.

Should everyday objects be beautiful, or useful? Here's how to fight back against functionality. And why beauty matters in the mundane... (thread) 🧵