Kids: instead of baby-sitting or a paper route, why not let the Russians pay you millions to promote Trump, then claim you "didn't know" the money was from the Kremlin. Then tell the teacher a Russian wolfhound ate your homework

When asked about affordable daycare, weird 'n creepy JD Vance said, "Maybe Grandma and Grandpa can help out." Spoken like a Wall Street douchebag with multiple nannies, who probably can't remember his kids' names and thinks birth control should be illegal

Melania posted her memoir will address the "misrepresentation" she's faced. Such as: "I'm not a golddigger. I'm a private nurse to a feeble, rich elderly man" "I don't hate Ivanka. I don't know who threw all her shoes into that dumpster" "I love people. People with bitcoin"

Meghan McCain says she turned down Dancing With the Stars 3 times because she "didn't want to be publicly humiliated" and "intends to run for the office." Her platform: finding whoever did this to her head and jailing them

The Taliban believes women shouldn't be allowed to have careers or leave the house, that they should let their husbands abuse them, and that they should have no control over their own bodies. So does JD Vance

Fox douchebag Jesse Waters says, "Women love masculinity." Especially jazz hands

Trump says he'll appoint Elon as the head of a Governmental Efficiency Agency. Elon's title will be: - Grand Wizard of the White Race - Holder of Trump's Shirttails While He Pees Which Can Take A While - Asshole #2 - Lord of the Toadies - Sir Speedy Does-Nothing - Don Jr's Idea

Ginni Thomas is so close to screaming, "CLARENCE IS A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SO WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT! WE DON'T OBEY THE LAWS - WE MAKE THEM! FUCK OFF, LOSERS WITH ETHICS!"

Trump and Moms for Liberty founder Tiffany Justice are demonstrating: - Airport security for the elderly - A skit for children called The Caterpillar and the Heffalump - Trump's first day in prison - Sexual role-playing as Jabba the Hutt and Sarah Huckabee Sanders

The postponement of Trump's sentencing until after the election is helpful: it would've become a flashpoint in painting him as either a victim or, without jail time, he'd call it "a complete exoneration." Now he'll stay a rapist and a convicted felon

Lindsey Graham's endorsed Kari Lake because: - They're engaged - He think's Kari's a handsome young bellhop from Mar-a-Lago - She took his advice about "statement eyebrows" - They can play Captain Hook and Peter Pan - She reminds him of Meemaw when she got angry

The worst thing you can say about Elon, or anyone, is that Russell Brand would be perfect casting

Questions Melania's ghostwriter asked: "Do we have to say 'greatest supermodel ever'?" "In the wedding night chapter, is 'innocent young maiden' the right idea?" "Should 'I was deeply in love' be followed by LOL?" "In the Helping Others chapter, are two sentences enough?"

JD Vance has never spouted an arrogant opinion that didn't make me hate him even more

Best drag name ever

Alan Dershowitz just announced that he's leaving the Democratic Party. In response, Democrats everywhere said, "Who?" It's not the first party Alan's been asked to leave

Reviews for Melania's book: "Like Moby Dick if the whale was a prenup" "A beautiful love story between a woman and her AMEX" "An inspiring tale of overcoming stepchildren" "A deeply moving portrait of a 50,000 square foot shoe closet" "A moving look inside many garment bags"

Just in: Arkansas police report theft of motel bedspread by "highly placed official"

Trump's a seething turd of bitterness and grievance, which is what the MAGAs identify with: the glorification of complaint by people who have easy lives but feel they deserve even more - one gold toilet isn't enough

New law firm of Habba&Giuliani with the motto: "Never Won A Case" "We Only Defend Rapists and Tax Cheats" "Disbarred, Defeated and Friends Of Dershowitz" "Being Guilty Isn't A Crime" "End Your Career In Disgrace, Like We Did" "Cartel Druglords Welcome"