Open shelving (stylish!) is great if you like dust (skin flakes!) in your coffee cup.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Inside the trunk of every Iroc Z is a portal that leads you straight to the set of an ‘80s porno.

Tips for improving concentration:
-Make a list of tasks.
-Take on one task at a time.
-Take On Me was a fun song.
-Ooh I found the video.

They say if a cranky baby won't sleep, take a nice long car ride...

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

As the enemy's navy arrives, seemingly out of nowhere, Private Kowalski races to warn his commander.

Nothing like watching a mama bird regurgitate into her baby’s mouth to put things into perspective.

Scientists can’t explain it, but it’s impossible for women to pronounce “Mimosas” in a normal voice

we’re a species that burns their mouths repeatedly on hot pockets how are we not extinct.

Is 'my dog misses me' a valid reason to take a leave of absence from work?

I’ll take nicknames for “Richard,” for $200, Alex.

I'm not saying you should scare him. Just show him a little glimpse of crazy every now and then to keep him in line.

i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund

When you're hungry and hear an ad for Nucala and think 'Good to know Nutella will help me breathe better'.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

[my funeral]
And now for the music, we would all like you to stand as O-Town performs their former hit single ‘Liquid Dreams.’
*my mom starts sobbing*

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

My girls were being complete wild raccoons and some dude said enjoy every moment it goes by fast so I told them to attack.

If your AC is set to 78° don’t you dare invite me over. The damn disrespect.

Guy, pitching Voltron: ok, so you know how we want to save our universe? So hear me out….we need to built five giant robot cat spaceships

Galactic council: lol wtf

Guy: wait there’s more