my wedding day: me: "i do" guests: "awww" me: "or do i?👀" guests: OOOOooo

So Hamburger help me, God

If you pause too long while reading a sentence because of punctuation, you've gone commatose.

It Matters To Me that churches aren't built in mountains. I'm willing to die on this Faith Hill.

Fish from America can avoid being idiots by going to school on holiday.

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper for assassins

Boss: There's a meeting at 3. Me: Unsubscribe. Boss: What?

Look Ma, no handle on things

(I'm quote tweeting this because I'm not allowed to reply) (Unrelated gif, maybe)

The thing about amnesia is....I forget.

Some people say I'm vague, they're right.

[opening Doritos] preservatives are called that bc they keep the body healthy; they 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑣𝑒 it

Did you know monosyllabic has five syllables? "Yes" Okay, cool

I'm not anti-social, I just don't like it when 90% of people talk to me.

One day I'm gonna hack into a lumber mill's computers and log off all of their accounts.

Kermit buys condoms ribbited for her pleasure.

"Soylent green is people!" the man yells out. I shovel another spoon in my mouth because my insatiable hunger demands more. It's good people

To calculate a Power Ranger you need to divide a Work Ranger by a Time Ranger and then multiply the result by a giant robot

First they came for the centrists and I said nothing because the truth is somewhere in the middle