Imagine farting at work like you fart at home.

Sex is great. But have you ever developed deep feelings for someone you’ll never realistically be with?

wanna come over and be my personal sex slave?

I don't have a bf hoodie. Gonna hafta talk to my bf about this. Hubs says I could borrow one of his but I said it isn't the same.

Jesus took the wheel, and he destroyed my clutch.

I was just getting used to not hearing about school shootings. 😢

Sorry for bringing up a cup of ranch with me when I took communion. I just thought the body of Christ could use a little zip.

Every day is an arm day for Ludacris.

Interviewer: we received your resume, but it's filled with typos. Me: Sorry about that. Interviewer: why did you say you have extraordinary typing abilities? Me: that was supposed to say "extra ordinary" typing skills.

Why are they called porn stars and not lay persons?

covered in kisses…? nope, *tick bites*

You get one chance to bag your Twitter Crush. Which pic you gonna use?

I told my coworker I was running out for lunch. I asked if he wanted anything, and he told me to surprise him. I noticed he left his sunroof open in his car, so I took a shit in it.

One of the most maddening things is that there are still people out there who think vaccines can cause autism.

You know what this mayonnaise needs? A teaspoon of sugar. -the inventor of Miracle Whip

A toque made from human hair. A toquepee.

Betting on how many times I’m going to cry is top tier relationship stuff.

I've never been a natural All I do is try try try

Someone questioned my masculinity, so I went home and watched Love Actually and ate a pint of Häagen Dazs. I meant I slammed a beer and then ate the bottle. One of those scenarios happened.

I get less and less attracted to men everyday.