neighbor: did you hear about chuck me: you mean chuck who borrows things & doesn’t return them neighbor: they found his body in the river dude me: did he have a dvd copy of freddy vs jason on him

olive garden host: welcome to ol- me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

doctor: your wife is not responding husband: is she mad

please no spoilers i will never see this movie but i do want you to stop talking

took my dog out to do her business (she is a drug dealer)

my dad used a rolled up dollar bill to smell the table really hard every morning

i have to cry for the facial recognition to work

had to say goodbye to my grandpa today he says he needs to cut the losers out of his life

*scrolling* what is wrong with people? *scrolls for 9 more hrs*

cop: you get one phone call me: [dials 911] help

kidnapper: we have your son dad: let me talk to him kidnapper: ok you’re on speaker dad: idiot

here is my cat and jack nicholson

if you wanna make a real butterfly (from scratch) you gotta glue two falling leaves to a worm and throw it in the air

interviewer: why did you leave your last job me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

[being thrown from a moving vehicle] right here is fine

god: how are they doing down there angel: [long cigarette drag] not good

[standoff] NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[calmly] gimme back my kazoo

ME: may i see a milk list WAITER: a milk list ME: that’s right WAITER: we only have 3 kinds ME: you got chocolate WAITER: yes ME: what year WAITER: why this one of course ME: bring the jug

suspect: i ain’t talkin cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake] suspect: can i have some cop: cake is for talkers