Just seen a headline that said there were going to be 2 places in the U.K hotter than Tenerife today. I'm guessing those 2 places were the patches of skin underneath my tits.

I bet June isn’t even her real name.

National service for people that mow their lawn before 9am on a bank holiday Monday.

"Of course I'm not leader of a Mickey Mouse outfit, what gave you that idea?"

Just collected my car from the local garage to be told it suffered from Nigel Farage syndrome. Turned out, there was simply an annoying whining sound emanating from the right wing.

Irons Linen outfit. Looks immaculate. Puts on Linen outfit* *Fast forward 10 minutes later - the outfit has more creases than Rupert Murdoch's ball sack and it looks like you have been dragged through a hedge backwards.

When Sunak said he went without SKY TV as a child he meant he didn't own it, didn't he.

Kudo's to the lad who just sent HR a short notice holiday request for next Monday citing the reason has... "Me & my mum, and me dad, and me gran are off to Waterloo." #EUROfinal #EnglandEuro2024

I wish I could just drop my hair off at the hairdressers and pick it up once it's done.

When you order a pillow on temu

Whoever's responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

That's one hell of a spliff, even for him. #ParisOlympics2024

Things you should get a medal for that are NOT included in the Olympics Getting home from the ‘big shop’ without forgetting anything Not raising your hand & prolonging an already tedious Teams meeting Saying 'none of your fucking business' when asked how your diet is going.

Never even liked tennis anyway.

you guys really gotta stop asking athletes what’s next after they win a medal at the Olympics

4yo at 2am: I'm scared, can I sleep in your bed? Me: Sure. 4yo for the rest of the night:

Someone on the tele just said if you put some Gin in the water of cut flowers, the blooms will last longer. Or, and stick with me, because this is only a hunch, I'm guessing you could just drink the Gin & not care if said flowers last the night.

Just got thrown out of the pub quiz night. Apparently 'Fastest Finger First' wasn't what I thought it was.

If they ban smoking outdoors and we no longer have smoking areas in clubs where are we supposed to go when they play Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran

i love it when i stump the IT guy. aha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but alas, i have fucked things up more than you could’ve imagined