do you think my roommates would be upset if i got a pet raccoon

you know you’re mentally ill when you start sleeping a lot so you don’t have to be awake and conscious

all i do is drink alcohol and miss my cat

skywalker men have me in a chokehold

honestly it’s insulting to pigs that we call cops pigs. pigs are awesome, cops suck ass

Pete Davidson has the option to do the funniest thing possible

stop glamorizing “the grind” and start glamorizing whatever this is

nothing annoys me more than a message from Team Snapchat

sorry but them calling the titanic “unsinkable” what did they think was going to happen

and if my pussy had a moonroof it would be a 1969 ford thunderbird

okay but imagine the vibe cillian murphy would have brought as ken

aliens are going to use us as lab rats and I for one have never been more ready to eat cheese and be injected with poison

any theatre is a drive-in theatre if you’re drunk enough