I’m selling the car if I walk out to this

Waiter at a nice steakhouse: and how would you like your steak cooked? Me: da ocky way please

retracting this statement. song slaps

#NewProfilePic

Meeting Rod Stewart is the highlight of my year so far

Turned 35 recently and I was on my couch thinking about how now I could run for president and in the same thought I put my remote to my lips and realized it wasn’t my vape. I think we need to increase the age minimum to 40

what episode of the Sopranos is this?

Is it just me or do the newer mini coopers look like they have a little goatee?

RIP Donald Sutherland

Me when I order ranch and blue cheese with my wings

Laying my legs flat on the ground and sliding my knee caps around

Not to get all political but this pretty much sums it up for me

A reboot of My Cousin Vinny called “My Cousin Vinny’s Cousin”

🔫

I love laughing at people with bad taste

Can’t wait for ABC’s new season of Jelqing with the Stars

I just shit so hard my ear popped

I have heard many people say that Squirt is pee... ummm, actually its grapefruit flavored soda. Whats next, Coke has fentanyl in it?

Lizard Wizard Financial, Anthony Gizzard speaking. How can I help you?

I put on my MUNICIPAL brand sweatpants just like everybody else. At 4:30 am right before I pray. One leg at a time