I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it

As you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

At one time there existed a race of people whose knowledge consisted entirely of gossip.

When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think

know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, govt, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit, and everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think

The planet is fine, the people are fucked.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist

How can God be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.

Got this real moron thing I do, called thinking, I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinion. I don't just roll over.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke

It's the American double-standard, say one thing, do something different. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.