Linehan: "LET ME SEE THOSE CHROMOSOMES!"

BREAKING Sir Keir cuts a casual figure as he debuts "Friar Tuck" haircut.

If only my son hadn't blocked me on WhatsApp, and told me that he doesn't want to speak to me ever again, we could be pitching Andy Churnwell: Travels with my Son to Channel 4.

Ah, time for a delicious mouthful of Highland Spring.

When the bouncers outside Tiger Tiger let your work colleagues in, but don't let you in because you're three times the age of everybody else there.

Inspired by the film Home Alone, Wes Streeting stayed up all last night boobytrapping 10 Downing Street in anticipation of Corbyn/Putin trying to break in.

Why can't I find a partner who respects my obsession with arguing online, performatively smoking cigars to impress other men, and the manosphere?

If you've never met Pat in person, you'd never understand his irresistible charm and charisma. The man radiates a powerful sexual energy, which is how he gets away with his heinous crimes.

This is how Jonathan Ashworth was created, made from cells removed from Ed Balls's athlete's foot. A creature destined to host Good Morning Britain.

Laurence Fox turned down James Bond role because "woke script" had Bond being pegged by Ms Moneypenny.

Oh dear, oh dear. What's this? That's right, hop hombres. It's a cheeky citra IPA imbued with the nonconformist principles of punk. It's time to zest up your Friday with a delicious oral smash. #FridayFeeling

NO! Somebody put Andy Churnwell's Big Bass Fishing on the Steam Woke Detector because it “contains overtly pro-LGBTQ+ messaging. The player characters are both bisexual. Homosexual romance options.”

Sir Keir secures lucrative deal with US brand Denny's to turn Big Ben into American fast food restaurant.

When the haters say that Timmy Towers failed to capture the mayhem and madness of Wacaday.