I don't understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

‘I smell sex and candy’, but it’s just me face-fucking a bag of peanut butter m&ms

them: do you take after your mom or dad me: I’m more like my dad in my sense of humor but I’m more like my mom in that I’m still alive

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls. Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Hey, boy. Are you Twitter? Because I know you’re bad for me, but I keep coming back for more.

Maybe Mary Mary Quite Contrary should come over to my house and take care of my plants because I keep killing them.

Hey girl are you a magician? ‘cause when I look at you my will to live disappears

Don’t ask her if she came. Make sure she did

I will come to the free hotel breakfast in the most unhinged way. Idgaf.

3 day weekends should be compulsory

Nothing brings a neighborhood together like the cops showing up at someone else’s house

Nobody will remember: - how early you woke up - how many hours you worked - how clean your desk was People will remember: - if you knew when to hold 'em - if you knew when to fold 'em - if you knew when to walk away

✈️ Italy, Greece, Malta, Paris, & London

I identify as a perimenopauseal woman My pronouns are not/fucking/likely

Candy corn tastes like if someone shit in your mouth and then topped it with sugar.

if you're having a rough day just have some candy corn so you can also be depressed and sick.

Candy corn is great for teaching kids about disappointment, much like their parents' marriage.