INSTRUCTIONS WHEN YOU SEE A BEAR: 1) Do not run. 2) Sit down for the bear. 3) Let the bear sniff you and see if you smell good enough to eat 4) Lie down for the bear so you can fit easier into his mouth. 5) Let him snuggle and hold you and take a nap with you before he eats you.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

if I know you and we see each other in a restaurant, wave, say hi but stay at your own table.

If dinosaurs still existed there’d be so many dudes trying to go viral riding a Brontosaurus

Sorry for all the earnestness. I'm bubbling over with the stuff.

Woke up smelling fresh as a daisy but no ones to kiss my little forehead. 💋

Coworker: How did you know she was wife material? Me: I caught her in the bathroom singing. Coworker: Awww! That's sweet! What was she singing? Her:

If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. Happiness comes from eating donuts, not a relationship.

Just watched Grandma wink at Grandpa while licking the lid of her yogurt and now I hate everything!

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Cult recruiter: …also, there will be peanut butter m&ms— Me: Sonofabitch, I’m in!

Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute

September arrives. The air begins to cool. The leaves begin to change. The sun sets on the Reese’s Medal and rises on the Reese’s Pumpkin.

Sometimes I think I am single-handedly keeping the Butterfinger empire alive, I think to myself as I finish off another Butterfinger.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight Ted Danson.

Why don’t they just call a mirror a “self check out“.

My toxic trait is saying I’m just gonna sit down and look at my phone for a minute.

Almost collapsed while walking today and my couch would never betray me like that.

Instead of saying ‘Beetlejuice’ three times, my friend told me to yell: ‘SLICED ALONE!’ ‘SLICED ALONE!’ ‘SLICED ALONE!’ Now I’m running around screaming ‘YO ADRIAN!’, training at the gym and I’m ready to fight someone.

Instead of calling your Ozempic weight loss picture a selfie, why don’t they just call it your ‘O’ face?