Caught a young man attempting to burgle my house & placed him under citizen's arrest while I called the police. While holding him and waiting for the police, we had a couple cup of teas & some nice civil conversation. By the time the police got there I chose not to press charges.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You're welcome.

My partner cheated on me but I forgave him. As punishment, I had some of the links removed and binned from his favourite Rolex so I could wear it every day as a reminder of what he did.

Dad bought me a car 15 years ago, £10k. He didn't want me paying interest so I agreed to pay him back £200 a month over 4 years. I haven't stopped yet and don't plan to. He'd never accept me giving him money otherwise. It's an unspoken agreement we have at this point

Decided to spend my savings on a statue of myself for my local park, I'm single and don't have any kids so this is my legacy, I don't care if people think it's stupid

Over a period of weeks as a child, I stole all of the dice from the board games in the primary school storage room. All sorts of different sizes and colours. Every one became mine. I do not know why.

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My husband insisted he should get all the herbs and spices in our divorce because they were in his jars. I was sick of his pettiness so I tipped out all the herbs for myself and filled the jars up with some catnip I found in a drawer. He's probably still using them.

I'm an obsessive nose picker. Wife obviously hates it. I flick my crows down the blind side of the couch and have taught the dog to clean them up every morning when she leaves for work.

I worked in a restaurant waiting tables and a man came in on a Friday and decided to propose to his wife on the balcony over the main room of the restaurant. She said no, he wept like a child and left after paying but left the ring in the champagne bucket. It's my ring now.

When I was younger me and my friend bought a Nando's loyalty stamp off an employee for £30. I miss the amount of free half and whole chickens we had

My fiancee is strict about using the 'correct' cleaning product for any given job. For years I've been getting a little thrill out of using window cleaner on the kitchen counters etc

I have a cat allergy. I also have a cat. I wasn't paying full attention to what I was doing just now. I put a cat treat in my mouth and lobbed an antihistamine at the cat. Luckily he didn't swallow. I did.

My wife's best friend is male and he's better than me at everything. I'm teaching myself how to solve a Rubik's cube because it's the only thing I know he can't do.

I'm a guy with a pretty masculine job but I love singing 'part of your world' from little mermaid. When asked I say it's because my daughter loves it, she doesn't I just like the song.

I'm a postman, and when I'm delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

One of my fesses went mildly viral. Told the missus and showed her the tweet. Not only does she not believe it was me, but she now thinks every funny line I've ever said to her was just repeated from viral tweets and always responds with 'who did you steal that off?'

The nice lady at the corner shop keeps asking when I'm going to bring my kids in, I have no kids and the chat we exchange about them is due to me not wanting to explain how a single man goes through 4 family boxes of cocoa shreddies a week. I can eat a whole 600g box in one go.

I'm so fucking lonely I've spent an hour talking to a telemarketer. I'm 20 years old ffs

Bought a vibrating toy to spice things up in the bedroom, it turns out that it's incredible for clearing your sinuses if you hold it against your forehead for a few minutes.