If I were super rich I'd buy a gorilla and make someone teach him to play jazz on the piano. I'd have him put on sunglasses and play Take Five every time we had guests over

There was so much stolen valor going on in kindergarten

I yearn for the life of the humble Yeti

"Oh, you're siiick son! You're gonna die boy! You're totally fucked up man!" Me: "C-can you please say that in a more professional tone, doctor?"

Back in the day, owning an ant farm was the only realistic way of becoming a god. Nowadays there is an ocean of other methods

Girl rejecting my romantic advances: "Don't get me wrong, I really like you, but more in an ironic so-bad-it's-good kinda way."

Doggie treats are way cheaper than human treats, and your kids will get used to the taste eventually

The only way to get the waiter's attention and guarantee good service at the restaurant is to bring a megaphone and yell through it all evening

Me watching American History X for the first time: "What the hell, none of these characters are hysterics!"

They should make a slasher horror where the killer realizes all his gorey murders were wrong and apologizes

Every night I fell asleep to the violent gurgles of my dad's digestion issues. Those were my whale noises

FBI agent told me he suspected I had a few skeletons in my closet, as if the monster under my bed wasn't enough to keep me up at night

Caesar salad for breakfast: The next big thing, or a fool's endeavor?

As they saying goes, history is a mystery. What happened on this planet before 2007? We may never know

Due to a small booking error, a priest is now boring the crowd at the Laugh Factory to death, while an aspiring comedian does a bit about getting pegged at my aunt's funeral

So close to a quarter of a K, so close...

Liam Neeson should do a movie where he fights a witch. They could call it "Neeson of The Witch" or you know what actually, fuck it

I took an IQ test and the computer exploded. This is either really good or really bad

There are literally entire women who don't exist. Men too. They live in what's commonly known as the land of make-believe

When is the sequel to The Whale coming? I wanna see more of his wacky hijinks