My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.

Im not a mechanic so I dont know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I hate people who take drugs......like the police.

I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

I just lost my mood ring, I dont know how I feel about that.

That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

I dont understand interventions. Whats the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the b*tchfit that’s coming.

"Okay" means youre in the clear. "K" means youre better off not coming home.

Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.

Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.

Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”

I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.

Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasnt the right answer.