Went out for a run this morning and my phone instantly thought I was driving. I guess because I reversed into my house

On trains I always sit as close to first class as possible so it feels like business class

I always thought my grandad’s stories about the war sounded made up but who am I to judge someone who fought napoleon

Can’t wait for 2116 to celebrate the centenary of brexit negotiations

Apparently lizards regrow their tails but mine is taking ages...shit...wait hang on...do they regrow their heads?

Finding it a total nightmare getting my puppy a pet passport - better be easier getting her a driving license

Is it ok to wear Merrells even though I’ve never even been a geography teacher?

I’m always 4 hours late to everything even though I have this Swiss watch I bought in New York 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Mad how you can say I binge watched sex education last weekend but you can’t say I binge tasted sex education last weekend

The woman in the virgin train toilet is gigging to more people than me tonight

Excited about this! machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2019/sask…

Don’t get it so many black cabs have cool pics of amazing locations like India and Malaysia all over them but none of them so far will take me there

Can’t believe people know my bag’s a fake when it’s real leather with a perfect ‘WHY S L’

Feel the moment has come to reveal this, thank you Haiminh Le for designing it and Steve Ullathorne for the pics

Why are all lifeguards obsessed with Spain?

Love how many pubs do free bar snacks now. Especially love the little bone shaped biscuits

We should change it to Father Earth! Climate change deniers look exactly like the sort of people who think it’s impossible for something female to get older AND hotter

Thought the rainforest shower in this hotel would be great but a logging company have just entered with a bulldozer?

I’ve donated. I’m gonna read more, listen more, understand more #BlackLivesMatter #SilenceIsViolence