Neck kisses, because nobody likes morning breath.

Snoring is a signal they want to be smothered with a pillow.

“You’re the bane of my existence,” he flirted.

Have you tried turning up the music ... me as a therapist

I'd clutch my pearl necklace but then I'd have goo everywhere!

laughter is the way into her meat butterfly

Someone told me I needed to add a little excitement to my life, so I bought a new flavoured cream for my coffee, let me tell you, I’m turning this muthafuckin party out

The algorithm has changed and it has figured out that I like both burgers and fashion.

Back in the 1980s everyone in the world dressed like it was the 1980s

Despite what your mom says, it's impossible to become sweeter through osmosis so those chocolate syrup baths are ruining your tub for nothing.

Fuck it, let’s go.

There's something about roadtrip coffee that hits different. My bladder. Like every 5 miles.

Remember when you tried to wish for more wishes on your birthday knowing full well that was frowned upon? That’s why we’re stuck in this current reality

iced coffee and 74 degrees with a breeze. A perfect Saturday.

my toxic trait is thinking my teenager will smell better after he takes a shower.

We’re making chili tonight for dinner

at the thrift store mackin on kick knacks.

You are your own worse critic.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

What kind of psychopath sleeps without having at least one leg out from under the covers?