A very cute thing a 9 month old can do is scream/cry/blow snot while also sticking out his little arms to help you put on his jammies.

Modern upper class parenting is being kind of pissed your toddler's butter noodles came out with penne, not fusili, but telling the waiter "it's fine" in a way that says you don't expect to be comped but are definitely not happy.

Absentmindedly gave my 10 month old a piece of pita bread, then he watches me eat mine with rapt attention and tries to mimic my actions. Totally insane. Top 10 life experience.

How is it my 10 month old can turn on a TV but can't start a song on his cocomelon sing-along book. Come on bud.

How did "dog's breakfast" get such a bad rap? They eat the same thing for dinner.

We need a court case that hinges on the validity of "retweets are not endorsements."

The 40-year old masculine urge to scream "I don't smoke crack motherfucker I sell it" while inching to work at 8:14 am.

because we’re here on earth to fart around

Working in M&A is getting an email from your supervisor at 9:28 am that's says "if you have not done so, please review" in regard to a debt-like item schedule that was sent at 8 pm the night before.

They do not tell you that when you have a toddler sometimes you will watch them stand up under their own power, and you'll just start tearing up a little.

Joke of a job tbh. Guy gets paid by billionaires to write infinite iterations of "taxes are bad"

Babies 🤝 Zombies Sticking your arms out and shambling around, possibly groaning.

Friends.....we need to have a conversation about Lebron's pronunciation of "Gobert"

Underrated bit from the Alito letter: "Some guy called my wife a c*** in front of me, but I didn't get involved."

Discussing wall mounts for the bar cart and hit with baby's first earthquake like some kind of message from god.

Toddler: Points excitedly at a strange Dr. Seuss creature while looking at me and spouting gibberish. Me: "Looks like a fish, bud" Toddler: Turns back to the book, nodding sagely.

Nothing but respect to the dude who keeps a skateboard in his trunk so he can bust a few kickflips in the gas station parking lot while he fills up.

I'm sorry but what does Barrett think the first two Ls in LLP stand for?

I'm loving the aspirational world this baby-book writer lives in where everyone has a transit stop outside their door AND a few blocks away.