Husband yells into the phone "How would I know. I'm not a weatherman!" Wife asks him "What's that all about?" He says "Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear!

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his wife split the house. He got the outside.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I’m at the age where an all nighter means… I didn’t have to get up to pee!!

That heart attack moment you get when you walk in to see your brand new glasses that the dog managed to get hold of only to say "Phew it’s OK,they’re not mine,they’re the husband’s!"

Meeting my friend for a “COFFEE “🍷😜

Waiter: "How do you like your steak sir?" Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife." Waiter: "Rare it is!"

My daughter left for the airport this morning to head back to Qatar🥲 This will be her 4th year teaching over there and she is starting her new job in a new school tomorrow. Best of luck to my girl Chloe 🍀 Miss you already x

I met my husband at a singles bar . Which surprised me I thought he was at home with the kids.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I was a kid there were two ways you could die…. Natural causes or talking back to your parents.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a rise… My boss asked “what companies? “ Me: Gas,electricity and water!!!

Was this called the “Good Soap” in your house ?🧼

Life was so much simpler before I got married. I had absolutely no fcuking idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

In my mind I am still 23. But my back is 65, my knees are 74, and my hips turn 85 next month.

I was mowing the lawn and ran out of petrol, so I used vodka instead! But sadly, I didn't have enough and now my lawn is half-cut!

The dog ran away in the park yesterday,so I was walking around for half an hour screaming his name! I couldn’t find him,rang my husband and he said, Elaine look harder!! So I shaved my head and got a tattoo and I still couldn’t find the dog🤦🏻‍♀️

I can’t work today because I have an eye problem. They asked me what kind of eye problem. I said….I simply can’t SEE myself working today.

Me: My life hasn’t been the same since the accident. Friend: What accident? Me: The one where I got my finger stuck in that wedding ring!

I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!