"well, ever since the accident”-flawless way to bring the conversation back to you

nothing like a nice hot shower after a long day of trying to get yourself to take a shower

whenever i am feeling lonely & think ok lemme check social media real quick, it is basically going hmm maybe walking into a meat grinder will help

Me deciding what food to order on doordash

anyone else deleting loved ones’ less “iconic” photos to free up phone storage coolcoolcool me neither

the fact that calling the other side “weird” is all it took means middle school is ultimately the only social contract anybody respects & honestly that is sooo like you guys

I live life like I online shop: unprepared for the consequences of now owning a pillow that goes over your head like a helmet

Anything can feel like a date if you gather up your things to leave but then pause & say "you know the funny thing is I actually liked you?"

So many jobs in entertainment are like… The time commitment is 2-3 days but the psychological and emotional damage will be forever

“Be honest” is one of my favorite lies

“who am i?” -everything bagel

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Oooo my book and I are clues in the The New York Times crossword today, a lil post-bday treat! Friday’s puzzle is generally very difficult & tricky just like me. Thanks to all who sent this my way—can’t believe how many of you even attempt Friday, your bravery doesn’t go unnoticed.

I can tell I am in a bad mood when everyone around me starts acting like a little shitass

still a fun story to tell your friend’s grandkids!

Steal my identity once, shame on you. Steal my identity twice, shame on YOU AGAIN. Not all roses being me, innit?

PACKING HACK: sit in your suitcase and chant “everything i need is right here” while tapping your heart

does anyone else feel like a god when you close all the phone apps you have open swipe swipe swipe goodbye email goodbye article my mom sent me on history of the potato goodbye calculator I AM DESTROYER OF WORLDS

why yes occasionally i will scroll venmo & feel a deep fondness that an acquaintance i last spoke to 14 years ago is out there splitting pizzas and gas

the nice thing about being on day five of covid house arrest is i finally know which of my chairs are my real friends & which ones are just in it for the butt