Just spent 2 hours making a perfect tweet, now I'm too tired to post it.

Politician's promise: 'We'll fix everything' (Just vote for us, no details necessary).

New reality show: 'Survival of the most basic human needs' (just kidding, it's just The Bachelor).

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity; it's impossible to put down (get it?)

Why do celebrities get paid millions for movies when I can act out my emotions for free?

When you try to be funny, but your humor's as dry as the Sahara desert.

Breaking: Influencers still influencing, but nobody's sure what they're influencing.

Can someone explain why pizza delivery guys always know exactly where I live?

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right

My productivity is like a WiFi signal – in and out

Yashasvi Jaiswal ♥️🔥 Gill, Kohli, Rohit: 'Hame jaldi si out hokar Fantasy App par Team banani hai!' #TestCricket #INDvsBANTEST #IndVsBan

Just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone... while holding it.

My adulting skills are like my fantasy football team – non-existent.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

Why did the robot go on a diet? To lose some bytes!

When technology works: Life is good! When technology doesn't work: REBOOT!

Why do tech updates always say 'improved performance'? Just say 'we fixed what we broke