Me: catch any Olympics on the weekend, mate? Sisysphus: nah, was a bit busy Me: if pushing a rock up a hill was an event you'd get the gold Sisyphus: haha. yeah maybe Me: nah just joshing. catch ya tomorrow

I'm gonna find a lyrebird in the wild, copy the noises it makes and see how much it likes it! Oh, it loves it? Well isn't that just fucken delightful then

[watching the rowing] Yay. the Aussies are slightly ahead [camera angle changes by one degree] guess what, bitch they're 15 metres behind

Ranking Olympic sports by how clearly you can see the athlete's dick...🧵1/32

Coxed rowing is a joke. If you need a twink to tell you how to row you're a failed rower

More people die every year from standing in the bendy part of a bendy bus than from heart and lung disease combined

women at airports love to have bags with wheels

2nd week of the Olympics sucks. Partly because our medals dry up but mostly because the broadcast moves away from showing events and focuses on interviews and boring puff pieces. This athelete is coming back from a tough Tokyo campaign? That's crazy tell me another 45 times

[Guy who is about to oversimplify a complex, nuanced issue to the point it's meaningless] well, to put it to simply...

If I was to give a bit of advice to Matthew it would be to throw one of the three longest distances

If you're keen to display an outward feeling, you'd do well to consider evincing

Of all the ways to spite your face, it's hard to look past cutting off your nose

[every fb mum] where does the time go! can't believe you're already 3! you're so fierce and independent and loving and keep us on our toes every waking moment. But we wouldn't have it any other way!

Nobody will remember: - your failed political career - your terrible cookbook People will remember: - what you wore - to the PM's XI - in Canberra - 8 years ago

How the fuck did Andy Dufresne affix the poster back the wall after crawling through the hole?

Mark Latham wore a dirty polo and oversized shorts to the PM's XI in Canberra 8 years ago

Going off for bad light before lunch should result in England's test status being revoked

One of the funniest things a dying person can do is utter a few words with their final breath about how they died/who killed them, but they're either misheard or misleading. Classic stitch up

Bazball is trying to prove a point about aggressive batting when you've already won the series and could play normally and easily win but you're so up your arse about your ethos that you lose to a team you haven't lost to in a decade

Enid Blyton's Magic Faraway Tree introduced generations of children to the concept of gambling. maybe it's the Land of Do-As-You-Please up there. maybe it's the land of endless torture and never seeing your family again. Either way you're addicted to finding out