I love when service personnel are in my area

Dave Grohl is an embarrassment to rock stars all over the world.

Bank teller accidentally transferred $32,000 of my funds to a scammer. Total bruh moment

Sorry Chicago… we in New York have our own Bean now. And ours has a meditating bikini babe on top

My wife has informed me that I am, in fact, chopped liver

"Couples who post together, stay together." - Sid Beers

More people should try apps—they’re convenient, easy to use, and you can download them to your phone.

(When my jar of pennies is stolen) Who would steal 500 pennies?

If you’re planning to self publish a book, reach out to me first. I’ll design one for free. I’m not a designer but I guarantee I will make it not look like you self published a book

Even if everything is predetermined because of physics or whatever, you have no idea what’s coming next, so you might as well try becoming a guy who gets really into wearing Dickies overalls and being really annoying about it

I don’t know who needs to hear this

We’re bringing skeleton humor back this year

As a user on X, the everything app, I’m familiar with the human condition

I like when your cousins by marriage tell you at the rehearsal dinner open bar that the hard problem of consciousness was already solved

Increasingly, people wearing orange vests in my neighborhood are talking about “the job site”

[Dude]: Uh, and then I, uh... You ever hear of the Seattle Seven? [Maude]: Mmmh. [Dude]: That was me. And, uh… six other guys.

I feel bad for people who don’t sweat. They must get really hot!

“The Stanley Kubrick Archives” released by Taschen is a great smelling book

Me: good morning guys! The guys:

Magicians wouldn't be able to pull half the shit they try on me if both sides of the cards were face up