get’em while they last…

fften.co.uk

- when i grow up i want to become prime minister.
- well, we hoped you’d do something more worthwhile and rewarding… like juggling dog shit outside primark…

- did you come up with this slogan?
- yes, is there a problem?
- it sounds like the slogan for a f**king laxative.
- i know, it seems appropriate…

AIM FOR THE BUCKET— christ sake, that’s the new slippers f**ked…

- crikey, are you ok jessica?
- what do you think? you just watched me tit-slap the f**king pavement…

- daddy, i’m pressing buttons but cbeebies won’t come on the telly, and mummy won’t help me.
- that’s the wrong remote control sweetie, let’s see. penelope, what’s a ‘love egg’…?

i’m sorry mrs dumpty, we tried everything but unfortunately we were unable to save your husband…

consider getting a 12 page pack of pleasure. it’ll last exactly 1 year. go on…

fften.co.uk

- i love autumn— curling up on the sofa with you and a mug of hot chocolate & marshmallows.
- i can’t f**king breathe darren, where’s the citalopram…?

go on then, take it you son of a bitch.
let’s see how much luck it brings you…

- don’t look sweetheart.
- at a guess i’d say he’s been there since that power cut last month…

fingers crossed, there’ll be a nice hardback book to stuff in your stocking…

- that reminds me, i hit a badger today in the car.
- oh no, poor thing.
- yeah, it was pretty messy — and unkempt.
- unkempt?

- are you wanking?
- absolutely not! i’m relaxing.
- well perhaps you could clean the blobs of relaxation off the wall when you’ve finished…?