My daughter has been writing a book on my computer and I just looked at the title and it’s called “The Sea, The Sea!” nobody tell her

Humanity has about six months to purchase 8 billion ape costumes for the ultimate prank.

I'll get right on that, Pepper Cheeks

I entered the Sleep No More Lottery for $99 tickets on TodayTix! Tap here to enter: todaytix.com/nyc/shows/2138…

This is hands down the best JD Vance impression.

Highlighting this tweet because I’ve been feeling this too. Lots of people outside Israel who don’t really acknowledge Hamas in any meaningful way want to talk to me about how awful Bibi is. Something’s not right there.

In memory of Bernie Sander’s birthday today do you remember this lmfao

#RIP dad 💔

Hey parents! This year all school info will be sent via the MyStudent portal on SchoolNet. You’ll need an EduSphere login for the ParentFace app. There should be a link to create your account in your FartFolder. The crossing guard can reset your password if you answer his riddles

if you are in the audience at the debate tonight, please shout "collar gap" when there's a moment of silence so it gets picked up on tv

ive been told there's no audience tonight. @davidmuir and @linseydavis, if you could shout "collar gap" sometime while moderating, i would appreciate it

WE NEED WALZ -Trump

You're in trouble when Orban is your character witness.

It's like she's debating MAGA Twitter come to life. Victor Orban, dead pets, Ashli Babbitt, "J6." She's debating Catturd.

This is fun, but I gotta go to Abdul’s house to eat a cat.

"Did someone say eating cats?!"

Malky is free!!!!!!!!!!!! b"h b"h b"h

My parents played Whist with their friends. They served Bridge Mix and used special Whist scoring pads that they got when we went to Colonial Williamsburg. Does anyone still play Whist?

This guy is even more of a Sondheim assassin than the last one. Pure Guiteau/Oswald.