In case you missed it: The Trump campaign’s plan was to stage a fake ceremony at Arlington, pretend it was public, and then condemn VP Harris for not showing up. The US Army has now issued a statement condemning their actions. In a sane world, this would be campaign ending.

BREAKING: There’s a viral new trend on TikTok that has Gen Z kids mailing donuts every single day to Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters and J.D. Vance’s Senate office.

BREAKING: A televangelist from Arkansas claims Satan is engineering Taylor Swift’s relationship with Travis Kelce so Swift can give birth to the antichrist and ignite the apocalyptic thousand-year war against Christ.

BREAKING: Fox News accountants have reportedly set aside $1 billion for the inevitable election fraud lawsuits the network’s hosts will cause this fall.

BREAKING: In a rare moment of emotional honesty, Donald Trump told Fox News in an interview this morning that he sometimes can’t sleep at night worrying people don’t like him as much as he claims.

BREAKING: The FL legislature is debating the creation of a new DMV, a "Department of Mammaries and Vaginas," that would mandate all women go to a DMV office annually to register and license their bodies like cars so the state can better catch women trying to get an abortion.

BREAKING: The conservative Freedom Network’s upcoming show “Christian Housewives” has reportedly paused production because two of its stars have started a lesbian romance.

BREAKING: A televangelist from Arkansas claims that if you play Taylor Swift’s latest album backwards it’s full of subliminal messaging that “commands girls to steal boys’ virginity.”

BREAKING: During a Fox News board meeting today, one executive reportedly suggested they publish a few articles encouraging conservatives to understand liberals like the NY Times and Washington Post constantly do interviewing MAGA fans in diners, and everyone burst out laughing.

BREAKING: There’s a new app designed to help Christians resist the temptation to masturbate that monitors your Internet browsing so every time you look at pornography it donates $6.66 to Planned Parenthood from your bank account.

BREAKING: Labor Day is reportedly J.D. Vance's least favorite day of the year because it reminds him of all the child-less women in America who have never gone through labor and birthed any babies.

BREAKING: A new poll found that 93% of Democrats want Tim Walz to make a donut joke about J.D. Vance.

BREAKING: The Trump campaign is holding its breath as J.D. Vance is reportedly about to visit a Mexican restaurant to make small talk with employees as he picks up a to-go order.

BREAKING: The conservative Freedom Network’s upcoming reality TV show “Alpha Men” has reportedly stopped production because, as one executive explained, “It has become apparent several of the contestants lied about being straight and Christian.”

BREAKING: The “Mayflower Project” where groups of MAGA Republicans move to Russia has paused operations because the emigrants have realized 99% of Russia does not look like the propagandized videos Vladimir Putin and Tucker Carlson posted from Moscow.

Donald Trump: "When Kamala sees a poll that shows she's losing the election, people say she turns real nasty. They say she screams, and throws her food against the wall, and demands her advisers bring her new polls that show her winning.”

BREAKING: RFK Jr. reportedly brought the head of a panda to Mar-a-Lago today.

BREAKING: Following Kamala Harris’s surge in all the swing state polls, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s wife was just spotted shopping at a flag store.

BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani is reportedly thinking about running for president in 2028.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly demanded that Kamala Harris not call him “weird” during the debate or mention how he buried his ex-wife on his golf course for a tax break.