Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition

After adding salt and pepper to my shopping cart, I grip the handle and resume my trip down the aisle. “Push it,” I tell myself. “Push it real good.”

How dare you say I'm crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

I don’t care what anyone says, I absolutely can worry about everything.

sorry I can't help you right now, I get one brief burst of productivity per day and you missed the window

If I say "I don't have the time or the energy for this" it's usually only half true. I almost certainly have the time

I dont know who needs to hear this, but the kitchen scissors STAYS in the kitchen.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese I just ate I’m a family of 4.

I’ve yet to meet a fresh bread I didn’t like.

I still fuck with Limp Bizkit from time to time. Not gonna lie.

Good thing no one is reading this crap.

My blood test came back positive. It's 100% coffee.

My toxic trait is saying I’m just gonna sit down and look at my phone for a minute.

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997, Paul Verhoeven)

I stepped into the Soul Asylum’s Soundgarden & found Alice in Chains in complete Nirvana. Stone Temple Pilots & Red Hot Chili Peppers surround her on this Green Day.

Raging Against the Machine, I took Nine Inch Nails & smashed them into some pumpkins.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

I had No Doubt that the Cranberries I got would make a good Pearl Jam

Them: You let your cat sleep in bed with you??? Me: Dude, my cat is my power of attorney

Jimmy ate the World with some Goo Goo Dolls after blinking 182 times.