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My wife: You should really get rid of that amulet honey I think it’s changed you My Cursed Amulet: Don’t listen to her! She’s jealous of you… that’s why she doesn’t let you play Xbox anymore Me: I used to play halo whenever I want… My bitch wife: Please you’re scaring me

very funny transcription error in this voicemail from my doctor’s office

aging. and not to mention my appearance. and needless to say the passage of time

[pulling back my aggressive dog] sorry lol he can tell you were born out of wedlock

Touched by this heartfelt birthday message from a business without the tech savvy to fill in their practice name on the automated birthday marketing emails feature

representation is important. thank you unicode team.

many people don't realize this, but [sound of a distant owl hooting on a midwinter's night]

the thing about taking apart a trampoline is it would be FINE IF ONLY it was possible for anyone in the history of the world to remember where the trampoline spring puller tool thingy is

[my wife after introducing me to anybody] he's a rescue

Actual post coming soon... (this is just a concept of a tweet)

there is something so unserious about writing the word Mississippi

maybe working in media will be more fun if I think of it as a form of bdsm

imagine a world … where finding out is followed by fucking around