thinking bout the time my v hot college roomie and i got caught in a crazy rainstorm on the way home from a bar. she brushed some hair out of my face and i thought she might kiss me but then she said ‘it’s so sad how white people look liked drowned mice when they get wet’ and i

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept. They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

if i had a nickel for every time a tv show buried robert sheehan alive, i’d have two nickels. which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. i hope he has brought this up in therapy

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

rfk jr out there asking the real questions, like ‘would you still love me if i was a worm (in my own brain)’ and ‘would i choose to put my hand directly in a man’s or a bear’s mouth?’

i don’t think the younger generations understand that if you got a scratch on the cd of your favourite music you just built your listening around knowing when the skips were. i still expect my fav songs to glitch

my 7 year old has recently started playing a game where you create plagues and try to infect the world. today he created a super infectious, antibiotic resistant disease which he called “ “ so that no one could warn anyone else about it. he terrifies me sometimes

wake up babe, new tiktok mental illness just dropped

lots of things are hard about living in america as a mexican man but none of them are harder than dating a white girl who told me she found the “hot sauce” in my fridge

i am one (1) unstructured zoom meeting away from becoming a gotham city niche supervillain