Every time

Biden steps down coconut steps up

Torture is an act specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering on someone torture is what my dog went through every time we gave him a bath

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again can I please have 5 grand

Me seeing the guy I rejected get a girlfriend

There was nothing wrong with the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. If anything it was funny to showcase a group of people who look like they’ve never played sports in their life

My mom is my best friend and my dad is like an older brother that I’m half related to Because one time i got arrested and my mom called a bounty hunter to come find me and my dad calls me the day before my birthday to wish me a happy birthday just in case he forgets

The fastest way to get rid of a lisp is to have a British accent

i think adderall + coffee = cocaine

When I was 8 I remember my dad telling me “I will not have fat kids” from then on we were a hot kid only house

I live alone! Ive finally did it… I’ve finally killed all my roommates

If you don’t know how to break dance the quickest way to learn is to be someone who is trying to prove themselves in an early 2000s movie

LaGuardia airport spent 8 billion dollars on renovations and I did not notice until they put in a potbellys. The second I saw the potbellys I said I bet this fricken airport is worth 8 billion dollars

Hey please don’t give me a facial and pop all my pimples unless you’re going to verbally confirm that you got a good one

You can’t fuck that can you?

i think chappell roan should be allowed to push some of you down the stairs

The sun burned my back like a coward. Burn me from the front like a man

The amount of days I wear the same outfit in a row is classified information

I’m really trying to get a boyfriend so I can get a cat