If "Hi! We flipped the shit outta this house!" was a font.

Cheers!

Oof....that's bold...

The Baltimore Orioles opening day is coming! We'll be closing some roads and restricting some parking. Visit buff.ly/410vucp for full details.

KC Kate ✝️🇺🇸 NO! Permanent DST’s 8:30am sunrise is worse than clock change. It cost money and lives in 1974. We need permanent Standard Time, the clock defined by nature. No on HB 1422.

Car shopping is worse than online dating.

I miss the Instagram where I didn't have to watch the progression of someone's whole damn life to see the thing I actually want to see in the last .5 seconds of the goddamm video.

Paying with cash is the gonorrhea of car buying.

Did I eat Sweetarts in bed last night? Yes. Did I wake up with a Boones Farm headache? Also Yes.

She's recognized the full potential of high arches. 🦶👣💨💨

If you put freeze pops under your pillow, they'll stay frozen while you take a shower. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

me: whew...finally got all of my subscriptions in one place. @walmart: that's adorable