I'm not one to offer advice but... never hum on another person's kazoo

Her: "were you thinking about me?" Me: "of course" My brain: *I wonder how fast we'd have to run to not sink on mashed potato

Babe, you know I can’t make love unless the Dean Scream is playing on a loop.

Yeah I got that D for ya... Disassociation

Is this what clarity feels like....hard pass.

I feel bf, I think gf

If you felt it, that was me

Summer breeze makes me feel fine, but autumn breeze makes me feel finer.

The library said if I keep eating lollipops that way I can't come back

I keep a knife under my bed in case someone breaks in and tries to steal my wifi.

Each month has its own mixtape

I don't have the energy to match energy

I only like your tweets because I read them with a french accent.

Remember when I crashed my bike and hit my head really hard. I finally got a helmet but I just wear it all the time i mean you never know, you know

Being a key tied to a kite during a thunderstorm would fix me.

if i drink my water will you shut up

Horrific if literal: see you later

Returning to Twitter (sorry - X) after a three-year hiatus and seeing the changed landscape is like coming back after a weird tribulation that only affected people who didn't make butthole jokes.

Seeing Horatio Quartzjixler active again makes me do a little jump for joy

Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.