*wakes up knowing it’s the weekend* Me: Thank fuck.

No no babe, don't touch my snow globes.

Welcome to the jungle, but it's just the bush I haven't shaved all summer.

It's time to sit in your lap, get high, and watch the game.

I hate it when one of my followers leaves a dumb as fuck reply on a post I retweeted.

I talk a lot of shit for a grown ass woman wearing dinosaur-print panties.

Big booty Judy logging in.

I hate to inform you, but we're all mentally ill.

So glad I'm off today, extra time for coffee and contemplation.

Feet in the dirt, head in the clouds.

It's a good day for a bacon cheeseburger.

An endless cycle of endings and beginnings.

No one gives a fuck about your life story, you decrepit dinosaur.

The algorithm has changed and it has figured out that I like both burgers and fashion.

The thing I respect about Gen X is that if you don’t bother them they leave you the fuck alone. They’re used to being left alone anyway, their parents forgot about them and let them roam feral most the time. So just leave them be kids, ok?

Gray sweatpants are dumb. I’d rather just walk around naked.

Called a bad driver in traffic a “pantalooned fuckwit” so don’t get on my bad side or else

When I was 15 I wanted to be a pizza delivery driver solely on all the porn I had watched.

You can't scare me you're not the sound of latex gloves being snapped.