Thought the Napoleon movie would be shorter.

My cat's favorite spot is where she can just stare at her own portrait all day.

I'm at an age where literally anything could trigger my mid-life crisis, so I have to be cautious. Inviting me bowling? No can do. I may love it, go all-in, and try to convert my garage.

What is Joseph R Biden doing to prevent Chris Pratt's voice-over work

Man, I wish Paris Hilton would make some pots and pans

I'm honestly pretty upset that the obscure Wiley Coyote IRS loophole is public. I've been making a Wiley Coyote movie every year since I was 18 to beat the tax man.

Man I just saw like 5 raccoons get the zoomies. Highly recommend.

I don't really understand how heat works I guess. Cooking directions are always like microwave this for 2 minutes or bake it for 8 hours.

Another reason we need to avoid a world war is so our dumb outfits and cars aren't considered 'pre-war' one day. 'Whoa, check out that pre-war Toyota Camry with the spoiler kit. The dude even has a pre-war bucket hat!' No thanks.

Really wish my phone wouldn't autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn't spend all morning 'tickling the ovaries'.

As some of you know, I'm secretly a synth wizard. I'll be twiddlin' knobs and smacking keys aplenty next Monday in Nashville. We'll both rock AND roll, it's gonna be dope.

Yes all the news is depressing but at least it also gets dark at 4:30 now

what's your favorite song about showing someone your dark secret behind the boathouse

My movie, Left At Wall, which has been in the works for about 2 1/2 years, is finally premiering tonight at the Warner Grand in San Pedro. 7pm. It is free but you need to reserve your spot. You can do so here: eventbrite.com/e/left-at-wall…

NOBODY loves Halloween more than a meteorologist with a green turtleneck.

How DOES a hayride become haunted? I simply have too many questions for this tractor driver.

at this point why do flag-masts even have a top half

I'd like to apologize to the fine people of Las Vegas who had to see my colonoscopy projected on the Sphere. I'm told it was a Bluetooth issue and won't happen again.

what's your favorite song about wanting candy

If you had to pay $1 to mute 'Jada Pinkett Smith', Elon would make all his money back within an hour