I sometimes wonder if there's an alternate reality where I actually say all the unsaid things.

“I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque.”

It’s only a Canadian goosing if you are apologized to profusely after

No one:
Cats: When they say 'get off' ignore them, we're cats.

This chocolate chip cookie I got is actually blueberries and it’s the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

no one is always busy, it just depends on what number you are on their priority list

My flirting style can best be described as 'Damn it, I'm only trying to be friendly!'

“We’re all gonna die one day,” I say, as I pop a fresh pizza roll straight out of the oven into my mouth

Idk who needs to hear this, but all those friends who told you they'd help you hide the body woudn't do it.

Coffee is required before playing with others.

Me: I knew this place was going to be nothing but shit the minute I got here

Son: you talking about Idaho?

Me: No. Earth

Origami but it’s me folding myself back into myself

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I'm 'SO old', so I'm going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

There was a huge branch in the road and my husband asked if that was a limb I went out on. I want a divorce.