My kitten shits herself more than my newborn human child ever did and I’m about to drown myself in the lake

The kids have been in school for about 3 days now so I have about 1 more day until this happens to me.

Wait…You girls lose your appetite?

At 4 am EST I just bathed and blew dry a kitten with a Dyson. You know, because I didn’t have enough things to do before at 4 am.

Me giving a tutorial on how to get a kitten used to water: Put kitten in warm water and let it scratch the hell out of you until you almost bleed out. But not to death- just to the brink of death. And just keep doing this until they get used to it! Follow me for more hacks!

This should be displayed in Congress.

Me: I’m statuesque, tall, should have been a famous supermodel Also me: fits absolutely perfectly in my first grader’s desk at orientation tonight when just about every other regular-sized human parent had to stand around the room 😳🫣💀

God: I’ll make you a deal Me: ok God: You’ll be tall, world famous, a billionaire, pretty, dating a super hot football player… Me: alright, go on… God: BUT you’ll have to go to every football game of his, and you’ll have to be enthused the entire time Me: NOOOOOOOOOO

Every morning I ask my kid what she wants for breakfast and every morning she goes “well, what do we have” like I’m running a swanky bed and breakfast.

not to be a boomer, but maybe not ALL my feelings are valid??? some of them are trash honestly