waiter: bread? jd vance: yes with my wife

wow I wonder why it's so easy for Hamas to continually recruit.

It should not cost more than £100 to buy a ticket for ANYTHING. Nothing's that fucking good, for a start. Who is it? Beethoven jamming with Jimi Hendrix? I will give you £67.50. A football team playing another football team? I'll give you £38 and you can piss off x

The boys are giving me shit for drafting Taylor Swift for my fantasy football team, but they’re just jealous that I had the first pick.

oh so the AI can read as many copyrighted books as it wants for free but when i want to do that it's suddenly an issue

Employers who drug test their employees obviously don't know how fuckin' awesome I am on cocaine

For a country that is so hysterical about birth rates you don’t seem so concerned about the children-staying-alive-long-enough-to-graduate-high-school rates

Elon Musk is a Russian asset and needs to lose his American citizenship for spreading Kremlin propaganda.

i guess sometimes you block benny johnson when he's just the most annoying guy at buzzfeed, and a decade later you find out he's a rightwing propagandist getting Useful Idiot'ed by the russians

good to know that my most loathed enemies were being paid to commit treason the whole time

Any parent whose kid shoots up a school with that parents unsecured firearm needs to go to prison for life.

God: [doing a lightning strike] that’s for inventing the word “totes!” [doing another lightning strike] and THATS for saying “Rom-com!”

Everyone: We want our kids to be safe. Democrats; Okay let’s make American kids more safe Republicans: How fucking dare you.

Does she end the Punic wars with the power of Pepsi

I love restaurants where the employees are purposely rude and say extremely mean things to you, like Dick’s Last Resort or Burger King.

“You still can’t pull any bitches” -me after seeing King Arthur pull the sword from the stone

I’m here to do two things: kick ass, and watch “Aliens.” And they just nuked the site from orbit to be sure.