When I shower, I leave the bathroom door open so Big Boi, my rescue chihuahua, doesn't feel shut out. He often sits there waiting for me When I got out I was telling him what a good boy he is until I put my glasses on & realised I'd been talking to a pile of clothes on the floor

Do any of you ever feel the need for speed? Nooo, not THAT speed. I mean drugs.

I forgot my name today. So on the spur of the moment I called myself Veronica.

If I tell you I'm grinding, I just mean my teeth.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I wanted to name my pet hamster "Skullfuck" but didn't get one in the end and I don't like hamsters so this tweet is pointless.

Remember, you can hide behind shelves at the grocery store if you don’t want to talk to someone. You’re an adult.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Be the person you needed when you were a kid. *The ice cream truck driver.

I'd be like "vote for me and i'll remove all the calories from cheese".... *mic drop*

I have a semicolon, and I know h;ow to use it;

When she asks you what your kinks are and you instinctively point to your trick knee.

ALL ARE WELCOME. -me talking about potatoes

Me : I broke down on the way to work today. Them : Can you afford to get it fixed? Me : Get what fixed?

I like to express my disagreement by exploding into a thousand bats.

I'm the sort of person who adds random song lyrics to my conversations. That's just the way it is.

Don't put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Then: are you a ‘glass is full or half-full’ kind of person Me: empty

Him: I like your personality Me: which one

WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.