Me, driving a van across the country last month: “lol, I’m not running from anything…. Well I guess I’m running from myself. But aren’t we all? Man, life sure is scary”

For the love of god, stop opening natural wine bars on my block

Just ate Chinese food

Me, burning down my apartment: “PITTSBURGH! This is a smoke signal to let y’all know I’m coming this weekend”

THEY DIMMED THE LIGHTS AT THE RIGHT TIME DURING THE AMC INTRO!

Walked 6 miles from crown heights to Greenwich village You know I gotta get me a #nightcoffee

Turns out, looking in the mirror every day and saying “you fat piece of shit” has not done wonders for my self esteem

Every time I go on stage, I like to try and do a lil riff to get people comfortable. Tonight, I said: “Y’know, I’ve had more sex in the building across the street than anywhere else in my life”

Been watching this cement truck pour for like 5 minutes. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I saw Barron Trump puking outside the Four Faced Liar. His lips looked soft.

I think I am going to end 2024 with a pinky ring

Is there anywhere I can see live music in Pittsburgh right now?

Ate one of those French fry sandwiches in Pittsburgh. It’s amazing how many cities I can be constipated in.

Hasn't Dick Cheney died like 3 times already?

I love touring to do comedy. It’s so fun to drive for instacart in cities I don’t live in