Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so relied on memory. Came home with two tubs of icecream and a puppy.

I wear black because it hides the pizza.

I get why men would want a wife. I don’t want to do any of this shit either.

I bought Plan B today. The lady scowled at me and said, “Fifty dollars”. I said, “Hey, it’s cheaper than college”.

I have this reoccurring nightmare that I’m on death row and I have to cook my last meal.

I always let people pass me in PT Cruisers, they've been through enough.

I’m not a lesbian, I’m from Vermont.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I wish I was a lesbian. I could find my kids a suitable mother.

The retirement age should be the age when Jesus died

I told my therapist I don’t get depressed. She looked at her notes and said “Why not?”.

“Hey, remember when you were thin and your parents weren’t dead?” Facebook

For Valentine's Day, we're going to Costco. Will it be less busy?

I like to tell people how I'm really doing so they stop asking.

I’m on vacation with my son, it’s day 8. He looked up at me while having lunch and said, “I think we should see other people”.

As soon as the sun begins to darken today, I'm going to bed.

My aunt and uncle were married 38 years, before he passed away. My grandmother murmured, “Told you it wouldn’t last”.

I’m entitling my autobiography, “Fifty Shades of Beige”.

You CAN always get what you want, usually long after you've lost interest

A good hostess always asks which hot pocket he or she prefers?