Now that the BBC have sacked the grubby fingered texter Jermaine Jeans, may I suggest a replacement? Why not employ the AMAZING Jonathan Gullis who AMAZINGLY made his TV debut last night on the AMAZING TalkTV. 🥳

As Keith Starmer freezes pensioners & tells us things are going to get worse there is a ray of hope!🙌 Here is Priti Patel visiting the poor,the dispossessed & those most in need of help in our society. Her Conservative leadership campaign is about reaching out to ALL people.🇬🇧

That Lorraine woman. Moaning about queuing to get into Spain because of Brexit. Why go to Spain anyway when you’ve got Torquay?🤨 Brexit has given you: More clams 40 new hospitals Lovely blue UK passports Straight bananas Pints of wine GET A GRIP WOMAN! 😡

Andy is right. Ok. Apart from: Michelle Mone Frank Hester Charlotte Owen Mohamed Amersi Mohamed Mansour John Griffin Tim Martin Matt Hancock’s PPE pub landlord Scott Benton’s gambling investors Rob Jenrick’s building pals… There was NEVER any cronyism under The Conservatives! 😡

Thank goodness for my dear Bunty. ❤️ There is no way I’d marry: Kirstie Allsap That Lorraine woman Lily Allen Victoria Gloucestershire Naga That Homes Under The Hammer one. However I’d happily marry: Dame Andrea Jenkyns Anne Diamond Michelle Fabricant Suella Victoria Geldof. ❤️

Keir Starmer’s day: Wake up Swear Stub toe Constipated Chip tooth Listen to Mahler Get depressing phone call from Rachel Reeves Leak below Bring up phlegm Notice rash on flap Do miserable budget speech Go home Read Macbeth Go to bed Mrs Starmer unwilling to romp Sleep. CHEER UP!

How bloody stupid! What next? Not allowed to drink alcohol INSIDE pubs? Not allowed to grow our own concrete? Not allowed to grow our own pies? Not allowed to get moist in the privacy of our own boudoirs? Not allowed to run through fields of wheat? The UK has gone raving MAD! 😠

Darren We all miss Liz Truss. Popular Caring Spunky Moist with a hint of margarine. When her & Kwasi trickled down, Britain rejoiced! Starmer will never grow the pies they grew. They gave us custard, rich and salty. Come to us again Liz. End this misery. 🙏🏻

I often met Margaret Thatcher I always spaffed with pride in front of her. She smelt of crab & made a slightly squelchy noise when she sat down. She beat The Argies,The Miners & The Osmonds. Mr Starmer how very dare you remove her! 😡 Maggie was our Tena Pad. Our beloved clit. 🇬🇧

Dean our paperboy offered Bunty & me 2 tickets to see Liverpudlian wrap music artists Oasis. He wanted £4,256 for them.😡 I angrily told him that I thought Barry & Maurice Gallagher were talentless skunk smoking yobs. ‘Try Angela Rayner’ I said sourly. She’s into that garbage.😙

Angela Rayner thinks she is a youth idol by ‘raving’ to skunk infused wrap music in Ibiza. Well Angela let me say you’ll NEVER match the original raver & youth idol!😡 This is Margaret Thatcher in Paris, out of her head & as Dean our paperboy says ‘laying down some mean moves.’❤️

We MUST back Kemi for Conservative Party Leader. Why? 1. She’s horrible. 2. She hates everybody. 3. She loathes luvvies like David Tent. 4. Kemi rhymes with semi. 5. Middle aged Tory men love a semi. All these qualities make her the ideal choice. Kemi Badenough gets my VOTE! 🇬🇧

Apparently according to a number of reports, people regard us Conservatives as being ‘weird.’ WEIRD?????? Where on earth did they get that idea from? 😳

Nads old boy please don’t worry. This is Jonathan Gullis making a lifestyle choice. After losing his job as an MP his life hit the skids. He started eating tons of bananas, then got addicted to skunk & finally stopped washing his conkers. This is his new house. Just ignore him.😔

Kemi Badenough is on her way! So sad to lose Priti. Priti is such a caring woman full of grain, heft & clotted creams. She exudes odours of mint & mildew. Her coats are bulky but her tights are known to have crispness. Still. Congrats Kemi! Remember this hashtag: #SemiForKemi 🇬🇧

Honestly John! 🧐 I asked you some extremely serious political questions & you call them smut! 🤨 Yes I mentioned Peter ‘Boner’ Bone’s tadpole spillage, Michael Gove’s odour and Nadine Dorries’s stains that smelled of mixed herbs…but to call them obscene? Get a grip man!

Sad news for us Conservatives I know a load of pals who have lost their jobs,including: Chief Jizzer Liz Truss’s Trickler Head of Corruption Tractor Creamer Mr Rees Mogg’s Seat Warmer Gusset Cleaner Batshitter Northern Regional Pisser Upper Peter Bone’s Masseur Sad days indeed.😔

Do watch this old heartbreaking clip of Nadine Dorries. It made Bunty & I cry. In her heyday Nads truly was ‘The People’s Princess.’ It seems such a shame that she is now suffering from mildewed crevices & is having to write porn for a living. 😔 #GoNads