DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to 'soak in tub' ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.

The polar express was unsafe and they had no business transporting children

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

honestly if i was santa i would tell the lady from the santa baby song to go fuck herself

I'm SO glad I never had to learn English as a foreign language. This *looks* like nine consecutive nouns.

As a kid my brother fell into some dimension called 'nutritionland' where all these fruits/vegetable sung him songs about nutrition
To this day he's always like 'man you're acting like you forgot all the lessons we learned in nutritionland' I have to remind him I didn't go there

[waving hand vaguely] Just make it go viral

Hotel breakfast buffet is so vulnerable and embarrassing. Carrying your little plate up, lifting the lids on stuff. Jesus Christ.

the movie Truman Show dares to ask “what if a guy was on tv”

Lmao night night, Aussies. Enjoy your night time while literally everyone else in the entire world is soaking up the sun. Should we send you some warm milk and blankets? Rip Van Winkle ass lmaaaooo 🛌🦘🛌🦘🛌 don't let the bed bugs bite

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: 'This isn't deodorant.'

Um, what the fuxk

No way! someone let him in

'no rapping tonight'
why?
'you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing'
ok
[after one beer]
uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

The “blunt objects people grasp for while being strangled in a noir” section of Target

When will this hell end #MyTwitterAnniversary

✨blacklash✨

Big news day for alligators