Google maps needs a route option called "See the most cows"

people under 30 are depressed because they didn’t grow up in the 80’s and 90’s. people over 30 are depressed because they’re no longer living in the 80’s and 90’s.

Like forgotten coffee in a porcelain mug, I am also tepid and likely to grow increasingly bitter with the passage of time

Twitter is great for when your life is a mess but you want it to get worse

Hey, I've made you a playlist of all the songs you've ruined.

Tbh, I'm just grateful Elon hasn't started insisting we all call him Daddy

It is like the Wild West out here you can literally tweet anything

If anyone ever said hi to me as much as I say hi to my cat there would be so much violence

Woke up to see twitter is now “X”. The real question is “Y”

He had a huge euphemism

DATE: do you like kids ME: not mine

The humidity gives me Keith Partridge hair. You might be thinking, "Oh, I hope it's season one," but no...it's season four.

I bet he likes his women feisty. In theory.

I do what my eyebrows want. Not the other way around

*How to plug in a USB cable 1. No, the other way

Hurt me once? Shame on you. Hurt me twice? I guess it’s consensual now.

I don't understand the Lego hype. When I was a kid, we had Lincoln Logs, and we could build anything with them. Big cabin, small cabin, you name the cabin.

Our televisions were so heavy in the day bc that’s where we kept all our unresolved trauma