need to rehome my girlfriend, she just admitted she doesn’t love bagels

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

When someone says a house has good bones, it means it doesn’t have Osteoporosis.

men love it when you yell get it girrrrrl after they rev their engine

me: I’d like the goth water please barista:

Sour patch kids are for people who like candy with a little bit of trauma

What idiot called it the sandwich shop on an oil rig and not the petroleum deli

What if we kissed in the

mods are asleep post swords

Where are all the hot guys who have a food truck

Who called it REBEL RIDGE and not BLACK REACHER

Me: *smiling from ear to ear* Plastic surgeon: My bad.

“What goes on in that head of yours?” It is an expansive and empty white sterile room. The Wii Shop music is playing for some reason. That’s literally it.

Nothing will prepare you for the image

Beetlejuice Reagan 🤝 Say their name three times to summon the worst person you’ve ever met

I concur. Love you boo. Happy 22nd! ❤️

That Freaky Friday sequel is cool and all, but would you rather have A. A remake of Face/Off starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan, or B. A remake of Freaky Friday starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.

(sees the sequel is just called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice) Creators of the Candyman franchise: Ah, dammit

I am once again reminding America that the only difference between Trump and George W. is number of convictions.